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Episode 35: The Princess and the Bastard (The Frostwind Chapter)
The Princess and the Bastard is the thirty-fifth episode in the series and the second episode in The Frostwind Chapter. The Band of Boobs infiltrate the royal wedding welcome party! Beverly cuts a rug with some grandmas, Moonshine acquires yet another fiance, and Hardwon confronts his past. Plot Synopsis Emotional Support Needed The Band of Boobs arrive at Keep Vineral for the reception ceremony. They approach the front gates and speak with a Vineral steward, Alexi, in an attempt to get into the party. The steward tells them they can’t bring the shapeshifted dog Hardwon into the keep, but Moonshine convinces him that he is her support animal. She lies and says her husband was killed in the War Against The Giant Wars, and that this was their dog. They tell him that Morin Vineral is Moonshine’s fiance, but he doesn’t really care. She rolls a Nat 20 on Persuasion while flirting with him, and he lets them in upon her promising him a dance. They enter the main hall, where dining tables circle a dance floor on a raised platform. Servants travel below on little trenches which are fashioned to look like mine cart tracks. They wheel around mine cart-themed dining carts and lanterns float above head, which change colors over the dance floor. A band plays off to the side play drums and an instrument akin to a theremin, which fancy dwarves dance to. There are two tables tables at the front of the room near a stage, one of which is empty and the other is populated by Vineral family members. The Boobs notice that King Cyrus Coldain is not present. The Boobs assess the situation, and Bev goes out to the dance floor to dance with the cool aunts. They also notice some White Knights who fought in the Galaderon Civil War are present, who probably went to Irondeep and came here as Bronzebeard guests. Bev finds a wealthier well connected grandma, and makes a Performance Check with Advantage to dance with her, but only rolls a 10. He dances with her, and she offers to set him up with her granddaughter, of whom she’s quick to wed him with. Hardwon is about 35 minutes into his polymorph, meaning he’ll only have about 25 minutes left as a wolf. He notices some of the Bronzebeard cousins present, to which Moonshine approaches three. They greet her warmly, and wonder what a Crick Elf is doing up in Frostwind. She asks if Jaina is coming, and one of the cousins says Jaina and Gemma are coming. The cousin asks who it is she knows in Irondeep, and she lies saying she knows someone named Sam. She rolls a Deception Check, and gets a 10, and they believe her. She says she’s surprised the marriage is happening, and they invite her to sit down along with wolf Hardwon. The cousin explains that Galaderon was their main ally, and now with them gone, they’re preparing for war. He explains further that they haven’t had a historically good relationship with the pale dwarves, but they hate Thiala too, so it made sense to try to team up. Thiala announced that she will no longer pay tax to the pale dwarves because she’s a god and they should pledge fealty to her. The pale dwarves don’t take kindly to this however, because they love Moardin and stick to the rules. She asks about how they feel on the other legendary heroes, and they express love for Ulfgar, to which they all take shots. Bev is on the dance floor, grinding with the old woman, and lies about him being the son of Rubenal Tuesday. He wonders if she knows who he can talk about to get a permit to build a Ruby Tuesday in Frostwind, and gets an 11 on a Deception Check. She says that she’s a Vineral, a small business owner, and she no longer wants him to marry her granddaughter because he is big business. Worried, Hardwon only has about 15 minutes left in his polymorph. Hardwon drunkenly pouts about how this is just like at Irondeep where he was hidden from the public by Gemma. The BoB considers getting council with the king in order to figure out how to free Ulgar, but are distracted by Gemma’s arrival in the room. Dog Hardwon pants at the sight. She looks ravishing, flowing red hair, a braided beard, diamond jewelry, and piercing blue eyes. She is accompanied by the stern Jaina Bronzebeard and a bronze cloaked Bronzebeard steward. The three approach the Vineral elites up near the stage. Bev makes a Perception Check, and upon rolling a 16 hears some pale dwarves bitterly whisper about how the Coldains think they’re better than them because they’re marrying off to a “summer dwarf.” Gemma and her company move to their table, and she is noticeably bored. Moonshine suggests he transforms back to a human right in front of Gemma, but he suggests that they do it instead to get an in with her. Moonshine mentions to the cousins that she sees Jaina, so she’ll go say hello. The cousin she was speaking with introduces himself as Razzdin before she leaves to approach Gemma. Moonshine walks up to the table where Gemma, Jaina, and the Bronzebeard steward sit. She introduces herself and mentions that she’s good friends with Hardwon. Gemma’s eyes light up at hearing this, Jaina covers her mouth in disbelief, but the old steward tells her to get out or he’ll call security. He says that Hardwon Surefoot is not a friend of the Bronzebeard family. Gemma asks how Hardwon is, but the steward tells her doesn’t matter and says, “Bye,” to Moonshine. She walks away, but answers that he’s doing great. Bev rolls for Stealth to hear what they’re saying after Moonshine leaves, and gets a 27 thanks to Pass Without Trace. He sneaks into the trench, and notices a hallway nearby where there are glowing lights. He hears the steward, Berril, angirly wonder why Moonshine would bring up Hardwon, but Gemma tells him it isn’t a big deal. Her sister butts in to diffuse the situation and tells them to move on from it. Down by the minecarts, Bev decides to hide a note that says, “Meet me by the glowing hallway - HS,” which he sneaks onto a minecart headed for Gemma’s table. He makes a Slight of Hand Check to sneak the note into one of her polar bear sliders, evading the eyes of the waiter. Hardwon, fussing about Berril, is informed by Moonshine about Bev’s note. She grabs him by the gruff like he’s a misbehaving dog and drags him to the glowing hallway, getting a 29 on a Stealth Check. The two make it into the hallway and find multiple doorways that lead up to a red, green, and blue tower. Since Bev didn’t specify which tower to meet in on his note to Gemma, Moonshine decides that each of them should go to one tower to make sure they intercept the princess. Hardwon goes to the red tower, Moonshine to the green, and the blue is left unaccounted for. Bev, still near the Bronzebeards, notices Gemma find the note in her slider. She gets up, telling her sister she needs to go to the bathroom, and heads for the glowing hallway. Hardwon shakes out of his wolf form inside the red tower. Paw Paw rolls a 28 on his Stealth Check and runs to find Gemma. He intercepts her, and points her to the red tower by running under the tower door. She follows him, and opens the door to find Hardwon. She closes the door behind her, and she suggests they see what’s up the stairs. She mentions she was supposed to be here with Gerrad, aka The Pale Prince. Moonshine decides she’ll guard the door behind them as they climb the stairs, which are unoccupied. The pair get to a door, and walk out onto a balcony. Bev remains near Jaina and Berril, where a drunk Vineral girl confronts them drunkenly pissed about marrying off Gemma to her “boyfriend.” He sees the Vineral steward looking for Moonshine to get his dance, and she feels bad so she asks Bev to switch places with her. He tries to stealth into the glowing hallway, but he is stopped by a Vineral guard who tells him the bathroom is the other way. The dwarf tells him that he has colon problems, and he offers to help since he’s a paladin, and the dwarf takes him to the bathroom to help. Bev uses Lesser Restoration as the dwarf takes a painful shit, helping him. Bev let’s Hardwon know he’s unprotected, and calls to Balnor, but the halfling dad is out on the dancefloor dancing. Where is that emotional support dog? Hardwon looks out off the balcony and admires the purple glow of The Gash far off in the distance. Gemma asks why he’s in Frostwind, and he explains that he didn’t come to ruin the wedding and that he knows he’s unwanted here. She explains that she’s doing this to get away from her father and to forget her old life, to which he is offended. He admits he has a gem with Ulfgar inside it, and shows her. He tells her he was involved in The Galaderon Civil War, and she expresses her relief to know he’s okay. The two talk about their time as kids, and Gemma feels as if they need to move forward. He understands, yet thinks she is still following her dad’s wishes, and simply explains that he needs her help to release Ulfgar and win the war against Thiala. He mentions Gerrad, but she tells him she’s never met him yet. He was supposed to be at the party tonight, but she feels as if something is being hidden from her. Hardwon asks where her father is and she tells him that he’s at the Cold Iron Keep. She asks him why he really came to Frostwind, and he apologizes for the way things ended. He feels that if they were gonna break up they should’ve done it for their own reasons, and not her father’s. He notes that he’s only an ugly bastard, and she is a beautiful princess. Overwhelmed by feelings, she kisses him on the balcony. Lost in the kiss, they forget to watch their surroundings. The door kicks open, and an assassin’s knife flies through the air and into Gemma’s neck. Hardwon rolls initiative: The Assassin Nat 20, Hardwon 10. Round 1 The assassin, described as a dwarf, runs forward and jumps off the balcony, casting Featherfall. Hardwon tries to get a response from Gemma, but she is dead. Panicked, Hardwon takes off in a sprint and heads for the stairs. What The Fuck Are You Talking About?! Paw Paw scrambles up into Hardwon’s shirt, and he asks the opossum what he should do. Paw Paw scrambles up the stairs and Hardwon follows. The two get to another balcony, and Hardwon considers climbing over the edge, but failing a Climb Check could be dire. Moonshine, connected to Paw Paw, senses his heart beat racing and knows something is wrong. She uses Rapport Spores to contact Bev and tells him it's an emergency. She casts Invisible on her and Bev, and she tells Balnor to keep the bags safe. Moonshine and Bev race up the red tower, where a Vineral dwarf run past them screaming. They ignore him, and continue onward, finding Gemma dead with a knife in her neck. In range with Hardwon again, the Rapport Spores reconnects, and the two decide to reconvene with him on the next floor. They grab the knife from her neck and note from her person and meet up with him. They hear screams in the distance, but Bev casts Featherfall on himself and his two companions before jumping off the balcony. As they’re falling they hear a commotion on the first balcony where Gemma’s corpse is, and land in a back garden area of the keep. They spot three iron dwarves with them in the garden, but they avoid them by using Moonshine’s Misty Step on her and Bev, and Invisibility on Hardwon and Paw Paw. They use a rope to launch Hardwon over the wall, and they escape toward the streets. They escape the keep, and run into Balnor, who boasts about his great night. Hardwon trips him angrily, and Moonshine and Beverly explain what happened. Back On The Stormborn The Boobs return to the ship and consider their next move. Moonshine suggests offering the Cursed Mithril Armor to the Bronzebeards and waging war on the pale dwarves. Hardwon thinks they should get Jaina, because she’s the only one who knows he’s not a shithead. He mentions that he shared a kiss with Gemma, and then talks about how she mentioned there was some shady shit going on. Moonshine casts Animal Friendship to try to find a creature to deliver a message to Jaina for them. A snow owl comes and lands on the ship. They decide to invite her to a tavern called The Fox & The Thrush, and don’t sign it. Moonshine gives the letter to Paw Paw to write, but Beverly rewrites it so it’s legible. She commands the owl to find the Bronzebeard with no beard, and it leaves. Bev pulls out the bloody knife he took, and they all make an Investigation Check. He notices that the knife there is an emerald encrusted into the gem, and Moonshine recognizes it as the same kind Morin put into Rosalyn. They consider what they should do with the murder weapon, and Balnor offers to take it. He says he’ll take the murder weapon and take the blame if they’re caught. He puts the knife in a tiny bag and swears to protect it. Everyone hugs through tears, and the episode ends. Quotes “Balnor, what you’re doing is so stupid and courageous, it could only be done by a member of The Band of Boobs.” - Beverly “This is what I’m here for. I’m here to carry your items, regardless of how incriminating they are.” - Balnor “You’re a princess, I’m a bastard. You’re a beautiful, beautiful dwarf, and I’m an ugly, ugly man.” - Hardwon. “She kisses you.” - Murph “I’ve been lying for a long time but this really happened guys.” - Hardwon Surefoot Trivia * Gemma orders Polar Bear Sliders in this episode. Music and Sound Effects * "Monster Beats" by Frankum at Freesound.org. * "Love, Techno House, and Peace" by Frankum at Freesound.org. * "Techno Pop" by Frankum at Freesound.org. * "Shock at the Dock" by Emily Axford. * "Invisible, But Not Invincible" by Emily Axford. * "At the Last Minute, a First" by Emily Axford. * "The Twinkling Lights of Galaderon" by Emily Axford. * "Into the Flame" by Emily Axford. * "The Purge" by Emily Axford. * "A Tale's End" by Emily Axford * "Balnor the Brave" by Emily Axford. * "Sunday Acid Jam" by Georgeke at Freesound.org. External Links * Spotify * Headgum * NADPODD Subreddit Thread Category:The Frostwind Chapter Category:Season 1